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    July 18

    乱写

    大概是在哈尔滨回来之后,突然想起的。
    好吧,就像那些拍得漂亮的电影里常用的手法,假如当下显示是白色,那么记忆里的东西就让它成为浅浅的蓝色吧:
    那日的傍晚,快要下雨.
    我记得火车站斜对面整片大楼都黑漆着,忽然,转角处闪着光芒,仔细看看,却是火花.有人还在工作,把某些没有本没有关联但注定要有关联的东西焊接在一起.这样的天气,在我的心里,总是觉得有些怪异,坐在候车室,听着音乐,窗户上是顺流而下的雨幕.
    在黑凄的大厦,偶尔闪着那一点莹亮,希望把那些本没有关联但注定要有关联的东西,焊接在一起,在过程中,迸着光芒和火花.
    有时候,你会觉得心里某个地方簌地被点亮了,噗地一声,并不汹汹,微弱的但是固执地晃着一点小小的莹亮,但就是这点莹亮,也许会让人一生难以忘怀,像暗夜里的荧光虫,那样让人觉得神奇而动人,疼惜而安静.
    这形容听上去很混乱.
    也许我这一辈子都在学习如何成为一个正常的人,学习如何去爱一个人,学习如何和周围的人交往,其实,人在安静的时候最容易被打动,因为只有安静才能让你听到别的声音,低的,浅的.
    把脑袋伸进水里的感觉很怪异,对我来说,除了恐惧,就是那异常的安静,好像播放键忽然隐了声音,你觉得看见鱼游来游去,一声不响.你听见氧气被吸进肺部,不太规律地一声悠长一声短促.现在在想,也许潜得再深些,或许能听到人鱼的叹息也说不准.
     
    这文字看起来确实有些混乱,好像是当时在去车站的出租车里胡乱记下的.
    不觉中,又一个夏天来了.
    年复一年,那天,我想说,大部分人都在被生活选择,很少人能选择生活.我执意地告诉自己,我一直在尽量选择生活而不被生活选择,但内心却恍惚.我对自己说,不抱怨,不散漫,不颓废,不绝望,不活在自己的世界里......要快乐,要健康,要减少发呆次数,要争取做一个靠谱的人,要做现实的人......
     
    嗯,那天忽然想起来以前的话,你有快乐的血液,和绝望的根骨.
    亲爱的你,请告诉我.像我这样的人,怎么样才能让自己成为一个真正内心自由,坚强而独立的人?
    我仅仅希望自己变得更好。

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